‘Waiter, there’s been a mix-up’

I’ve never rushed to the bathroom so quickly in all my life. After going to the movies, we decided to go out for dinner, my friends and I. Well, I really wish we hadn’t.

If you know anything about me, aside from the fact that I’m extremely accident prone, it’s that I’m a vegetarian, bordering on vegan.

Side note:

Vegetarian = no meat (no fish)

Pescetarian = no meat (will eat fish)

Vegan = no animal products whatsoever! 

So, every single restaurant we go to I have to be careful. Since realizing that the food industry, along with many others unfortunately, like to sneak animal products into our food, my choices are seriously limited. Since becoming vegetarian, my choices have been dwindled down to french fries and salad.

Oh no! They fry french fries in the same grease as they do the meat in most places?

French fries.

Okay, so I’m down to salad. That sounds safe. I mean, how can they screw that up? Did you know that Caesar dressing has fish in it? That’s right, they put anchovies in it for the salt, I guess.

Salad.

No. That’s not right you’re probably saying. Just eat the salad without dressing. Sure, that does sound like a great option. Salad is back on the list. However, think about this, most places only serve lettuce, tomato, cucumber and onion. If you’re lucky, they might just give you a carrot.

Troubles do not end here, my friends. I wish. Have you ever realized that ninety percent… that’s right, ninety… is lettuce? So, basically, because I’m a vegetarian, and not too many places cater to vegetarians in my city, I get to eat rabbit food!

Literally!

Actually, I think most rabbits have a better diet than I do.

Then there’s the time when your body needs protein. It craves food… real food. I love my veggies, but my body likes protein and fat. So, when we go out to dinner, I like to try and find new options. I found crepes at this one restaurant and I was really happy. They were very good, albeit, almost all sugar. They were still good and it was something different. But then, I found out that confectioner’s sugar (icing sugar) has animal parts in it.

I wish I was making this up! I wish!

So, we’re at the same restaurant yesterday. I thought I was being so careful. I chose another breakfast item, but I wanted something different. Most of the time I’ll get eggs and toast. (BORING!) I ordered eggs Florentine.

Ever hear of that?

Well, I hadn’t. On the menu it says poached egg, spinach, prosciutto, and marinara sauce. A lot of you may be looking at these ingredients and know what happened to me but don’t skip ahead. There’s more. So, I asked the waiter if there was any meat in the marinara sauce because I’m a vegetarian. The guy stuttered but then said no. Here I was thinking I was safe to eat and ordered.

I get my eggs (which come with a side of french toast, and I asked for no icing sugar) and so here’s the big reveal, that probably everyone knows about but me: Prosciutto is a kind of meat! It is a kind of meat and I ate it!

I didn’t know whether I wanted to have a panic attack, throw-up or cry. So, I went with all three! I ran to the bathroom in tears and tossed as much of that meat as I could while having a panic attack. This is not so easy.

Yes, the waiter is still alive. However, I think I may just write about him in a book some day.

Oh no! This waiter fell into a manhole and broke his leg! And, just so he gets his just desserts, while in the hospital, unable to walk with a broken leg he is stuck in a room with an extremely talkative, older vegetarian woman who is willing to try to turn any person she can get her hands on. This waiter must listen to her explain why everyone should be vegetarian.

Maybe then he will not serve meat to someone who does not believe in eating meat!

Sad part is, when he dropped my food in front of me, he was so proud of himself because he put the egg on top of the meat and it didn’t fall off. He didn’t say ‘meat,’ of course. That would have been handy for me before I ate the darn thing!

I’m not blaming the guy, well, one hundred percent. It was my fault. After doing all this research on other products that have animal parts in them, I forgot to do my homework on all things meat.

Note to self: Really? There’s no excuse!

yours truly, 

A Clumsy Writer

P.S. This same restaurant also has a stir-fry. They will supposedly take out the meat for you (still charging you for it) and the waiter claimed it to be vegetarian. Then I found out, on the same day as the poisoning, that the rice it is served with is rice pilaf. NOT SAFE FOR VEGETARIANS! because it has chicken broth in it.

Be careful what you eat, my friends.

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