The Bare Necessities

I hate that we’ve ruined the planet with modern technology. There is so much plastic floating around on our planet it could probably feed everyone in the world for at least ten years if it were a food source. The only invention I couldn’t live without is the toilet. I don’t want to think about the mechanics of it; it’s unsanitary.

Don’t even get me started on public washrooms. Imagine in the old days when people used to do their business in the backyard and bury it alongside the household dogs load…

NO THANKS!

Anyway, enough of that grossness.

Running out of toilet paper is a big no-no for just about anyone. Well, I’m so paranoid about it I check the toilet paper level before I even sit down—always have.

Except this one day…

Luckily, I live with two people who can be there to provide toilet paper on this once in a lifetime day when I need it chauffeured to me. But…

If it was that easy I wouldn’t have a story to tell, would I?

On this one day that I didn’t check the toilet paper, in some bizarre twist of fate there was no toilet paper! None! Here’s the kicker: underneath our toilet paper holder is another toilet paper holder that houses 3 rolls. That was empty. The sink has a cabinet underneath… EMPTY! We also have a shelf above the toilet.

You guessed it! Empty!

What could I do? I started calling for the roommates. They were outside doing yard work, so I opened the window and called their names. I tried every trick in the book to get their attention. Unfortunately, they were at the very back of the yard and it’s kind of far from the bathroom—it’s around a wall, and we live off the highway.

Could this get any worse, you ask?

Um… yes. Yes, it can. After fifteen minutes of screaming my head off, my throat was getting raw and I just wanted to get off the toilet. My last resort was to ‘shake’. Whatever… I’m at home, I can shower afterward, no big deal. I can wash my clothes.

Disgusting, but hey, I was desperate.

So, I got up and I went to the hall, fanny hanging out (I wasn’t putting my clothes on, nope!) and I went to the hall closet to get a roll of toilet paper.

Oh my… holy… there’s no toilet paper in there either! 

Now I was really starting to panic. By this time I was contemplating walking an extra few feet to the kitchen to get paper towel, but as I said, we are along a major highway and it was summer time. All the blinds were wide open.

Since my fanny and other parts were waving at them, I sloped back into the shadows and gave screaming at the roommates another go.

Eventually, they heard me and they came in. Thank God! As you can see, we have a lot of places where we hide toilet paper, so running out is nothing short of a freaking miracle!

It turns out they had a box of toilet paper hidden in one of their rooms and forgot to fill the shelves! Ahh!!

The best part of the story is: they heard me screaming the entire time! Seriously! I found this out after. They said they thought it was the neighbor kids screaming for someone named Daniel.

Um… seriously? I guess ‘help’ screamed over and over again could sound like Daniel…

Note to self: Stick to routine, stick to routine, stick to routine!

yours truly,

A Clumsy Writer

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